Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior