@_youhadonejob: Long weekend.
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@Awk0Tacoo: Every chick magazine ever: You're beautiful and are perfect just the way you are! How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
@BillArrundale: Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?