The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed