white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.