Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
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If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.