“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”