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@SteveSuckington: "Look guys! No hands!"
-captain of the Titanic
@AntozWolf: When people see ghosts, why aren't they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
@carlyken: If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it's because I can't remember if it's my turn to say words or yours.
@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!
~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
@robdelaney: Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
@Godhatespants: Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*