wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.