“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
when mom throws a party…
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.