My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
stand with me against insufficient seating
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.