By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I need to get some bricks…
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table