tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.