Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The sun is 100% solar-powered.