Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great