Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.