@Shingaboop: Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
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@trevso_electric: Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
@noogscorner: Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
@BillyYvonne: Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don't serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke