@Shingaboop: Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
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@weinerdog4life: Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
@Parentpains: Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.