Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.