Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Sing it!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.