lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen