ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
You Might Also Like
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾