[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.