[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”