[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”