Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.