*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Hmm, not sure about this change
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.