[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Discuss
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
All is fair in drunk and war.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
u spoke cat all this time??????
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.