“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
We need to put an American base on the sun
You have been warned.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered