[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.