@ericacanrant: Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*
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@Rachelnoise: Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You'd think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they'd be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
@TheNaique: Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
@Freudianscript: My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants.
@GingerHotDish: [police interrogation room] Officer: you've been identified as the runner who.. Me: Let me stop you right there.