I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
so i’m at the stock market right
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges