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@tequilasaltlife: Looking forward to Monday?
We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm.
*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK."
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@GrumpyComments: Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
@MartaEffing: *sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don't know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
@BlACk__ThRoaT: I've known my drug dealer since I was this high.