I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.