Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.