[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.