Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*