[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.