Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy