*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
For the baby who has everything
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What鈥檚 up?
4yo: There鈥檚 a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you鈥檝e been acting it won鈥檛 stick around long.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Damn he played himself
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you like pi帽a coladas and getting caught in the rain, that鈥檚 fine but your pi帽a colada is going to get watered down.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
finally found a reasonable question
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Every time my phone rings
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn鈥檛 (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN鈥橳 STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Adulthood is almost as fun as a pi帽ata full of wasps
I told my 5yo we weren鈥檛 going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa