[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Weirdos gonna weird.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.