*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February