*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles