[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap