At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
security at the airport getting more straightforward
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Raisins are grape jerky.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”