Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@Kendragarden: Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

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@Chumpstring: me: are there really aliens at area 51 pentagon official: that’s confidential me: then how’d i hear about it

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@joejwest: DATE: I'm leaving ME: Why? D: You keep pretending to be a bat M: I don't D: You're doing it right now [a single tear rolls up my forehead]

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@GrantTanaka: at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

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@Snikoggs: [Job Interview] "It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?" "36" "That's not even close" "But it was quick"

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