@PaulFrei: I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

@better_off_dad: Me: 'I miss you.' The Point: 'No shit.'

@onion_an: Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies

@myonlymizztake: Note to self: Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

@mommajessiec: 9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is? Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.