Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@redpawn3: Never Never Never tell someone you are patient. They will test you...

1

@kimtopher22: A minute, 45 seconds. How long I'll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it's not motion activated.

1

@MrGirlDad: I shaved my beard at my wife's request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.

1

@blazed_ncis: *going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."

6

@baronvonbike: I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets