Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.