*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
just left a huge legacy in there
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?