[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
You Might Also Like
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
📽️movie date🎞️
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really