professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I just ran a .003048K
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me if I was a dog
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”