*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.