Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”