Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer