*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Get in loser we’re going crying
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
🤔😂😂
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts