Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Friday night party time 🥳
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids