[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
getting old is fun
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.