@Chelsea_Elle: Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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@astutenewf: When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
@TheTweetOfGod: Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
@GrantTanaka: Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked "So what's the exhibit?" & the guy was like "You're breathing it, man."
@LionJenkins: [First day at New Job] New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know? <Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>