Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
You Might Also Like
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
It is what it is. Unless it鈥檚 cauliflower. Then it is what it isn鈥檛.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Twitter is like the tenth time you鈥檝e opened the fridge and there still isn鈥檛 anything good in it.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I鈥檇 been putting off for 3 months
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.