Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.